Sometimes back, not so long ago, I finally tracked down my ex on Facebook after a long search. You know how it is. You break up with someone and then all of a sudden you feel like checking them out, to see who they ended up with. I was in town when I decided to head into the cyber at Burgerdom.
Since Burgerdom is across town I started taking a stroll towards Kimathi Street, minding my own business when the unexpected happens to me. If I were a bird and I was starring in the movie Rio, I would be the shy Blu, walking around and having the airs of a macaw bird who knows what he is meant to be doing.
Okay…. Enough with the bird talk.
As I am walking in town, checking out books, new coffee joints, the perfect chocolate bar, flowers and trying to fit dresses in my mind when out of the blue, I bump into my ex. My ex and I did not part ways well and even though I am planning to check her on Facebook, I have done all I can not to bump into her. And even though Nairobi isn’t that big, I have succeeded in not bumping into her so far. Until right now.
I dip my trembling hand inside my pocket, looking for a weapon. But my toothpicks aren’t there! I cannot believe I have lost my toothpicks. I always walk around with them in case the unexpected, which is bumping into my ex, happens. A toothpick, has many other uses other than picking food from one’s teeth and being a testimony of a meal you never had. For you see, for some guys, toothpicks are a symbol of status. It is a habit they have picked from a rap video, or a gangster movie, or even from an overrated Naija movie. To me, toothpicks are the only kind of weapons that don’t set the alarm off when you pass through a security check.
I have always wanted to bump into my ex when I am walking with the one who has taken over from her. Coming from a polygamous background, I know having a list of active exes-to-be isn’t something to be frowned upon. It isn’t something I am not ashamed of. In fact, from where I come from, that is a big plus. It is so big a plus that every polygamous man will have plenty of potential wanna-be-exes lining up for his signature!
What I didn’t prepare for was being all alone and having nowhere to run. As I move to the nearest wall, trying all I can to get smaller, I feel grains of sand hit my knees. Barely a minute later, I am left looking at my ex in awe, admiration and longing.
What I would do to have my hands on the steering wheel of a BMW X3 xDrive20i! There…! Now you know who my ex is.